My head is a bit of a mess right now though and it's difficult for me to string something together that's coherent. It has been quite some time since I've really written and I'm not quite sure I'm any good at it anymore (it was already pretty shitty to begin with).
I've been thinking a lot about growth lately. This has been primarily motived by two considerations: 1) the normal passing of time and the inevitable compulsion to measure where I am at against where I have been, and 2) the increasing desire to return "home" and the correlative difficulty to return to the idea of home that I remember.
I suppose it's natural to look back and reflect anytime there's some small moment of closure. Each transition, each major event, there's always a consideration about how our experiences change us, for better or for worse. Obviously, a big question for me is how I've changed over the course of law school. It's definitely shaped a lot of the way I look at the world now. In fact, there is a marked difference between who I am now and who I was before starting my studies. The difference is magnified even further when I think back upon my days at UCI. I'm not sure I'm willing to say one is better than the other, they're just different. On the one hand, I think grad school and being this wrapped up with studies has put me a bit more in touch with what goes on in the world outside of my little bubble. On the other hand, I also feel myself drifting towards that ivory tower known as academia. Basically, even though I am more engaged with the world, I am engaged more as a matter of interest and curiosity than pragmatism or activism. In all fairness, this might not be school so much as it is me slowly drifting towards my pre-existing misanthropic tendencies.
Interestingly, I'm finding myself with a growing necessity to spend time around other people. Not necessarily socializing, but I like being surrounded by people which is creating an ever-pressing (over)-reliance on the small networks of close friends. This bridges nicely to the concept of home I described above.
Similar to that feeling of wanting to be around others, I find myself more now than ever in search of a place that feels comfortable to me. Home is a somewhat amorphous term. There's Pleasanton, that's where family is. There's Irvine, that's where my friends are and where a lot of who I am today was shaped. And there's Los Angeles, where I think I've finally honed in on where I'm going and become somewhat more comfortable with where that is. I'm deeply connected to all of these places, and yet there seems to be something missing from all of them. As to Pleasanton and Irvine at least, I think I've learned a certain set of expectations and truths about these areas that just aren't true anymore. I don't know if it's the places that have changed or if maybe it's just me.
I've always had great difficulty dealing with changes. And I think it's just recently that I've finally had the trust and confidence to accept it. But I still can't help but lament for pieces of the past. Perhaps this summer I can start to figure out why.
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