Perhaps it's the reality sinking in that in a matter of mere weeks we'll have physical distance between us, distance reminiscent of this summer and the reason I still believe things never worked out. Or maybe it's just a reflection on the past 3 years that happens to jump out in a way that my other demons simply don't. Whatever it is, it's been keeping me up at night and I thought it might help to write about it.
I've always had a penchant for hyperbole, but dare I say in the past 3 years she's the only girl that truly made me feel like I wanted to settle down and become a better person. I'm not talking drastic changes here - in many ways that change is precisely something I've been looking for - rather she was the one element that seemed like she could have been the catalyst. Selfish as it may be, she made me feel comfortable... like home. In many respects, this may have been the biggest appeal for me, and ultimately, the largest hurdle in her eyes. On the surface, we're predisposed to act in different ways but be careful not to fall for the illusion. While I cannot speak for her, there's a lot that I keep below the surface. Whether for fear, for disinterest, or for psychological issues beyond my grasp, I like to mix things up. But this trait engenders a propensity for flagrant behavior and inadvisable choices.
I could go on all day as to why it never worked out. But the last one I would want to admit was that it is attributable to a lack of courage on my part. I'm not sure why I languish over these decisions and for the most part I can look back on the past few years and say though I may regret certain outcomes, there's not a whole lot I would redo. This stands as one of them, and in one of the cruelest outcomes... this realization has come much too late at a point in time.
So maybe this is what it's like to feel haunted by the past. Funny, I'd have always though it would come out of something I did rather than something I didn't do.
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